Ahhhhhh

Sometimes it is hard to distinguish reality from delusions.

I have a hard time with that. I spent so long believing that everything was all in my head and that there might be something wrong with me...only to find that it wasn't me at all. Everything i thought was real..was infact...real. Kind of like living in a world and thinking that you're dreaming.

So now I question everything, every thought, every dream, every feeling...and I feel as if I am not living at all. Why can I not trust? Why can I not believe without proof? Why can I not love without question?

I've never felt loved until just recently. But I still question that...love based on lies in noting but a delusion. I can't live like that anymore. I want reality for once. I want it all, no compromise, no loss, no lies, just love..one that is mine..and I my lover's...

Delusional Reality

Have faith, just hold on a little longer
now why, I ask, do we tell ourselves such ridiculous things?
Hopeless romantics, do you think?
Sure, if the answer isn't clear, close your eyes and pray!

Selective sight, hearing, knowledge.
See, hear, know - only what you wish to believe.
Blind to all faults, deaf to all lies,
and ignorant by all degrees.

Such a strange way to live, why then do we do it?
Delusional fantasies are so much brighter than life
Open your eyes people!
When the bubble bursts the flood will drown your soul.

Debut

A teardrop falls in the pouring rain,
memories rush back of lies and pain.
Then a warm arm wraps around you,
safety from afar.
He makes you so happy
that you forget just where you are.
And yet another teardrop
as he pulls away from you.
Your one and only safety
has only hurt you too.
Still another comes into your life,
and protects you from the last.
His words are full of promises
but don't forget the past.

JS

The Rantings of Paranoia

A penance of impossible perfection.
Asking way too much of life.
Always wondering where to turn, where to hide,
to get away from it all.

So hard.
Fantastically deliberated lies corrode reality.
Delusions,
designed by confused paranoia

The ultimate fantasy.
To be all that you can be.
A successful fatal attraction.
Live and let die

The Life and Times

I could try to say something witty and smart to attract attention to myself but really that is not my style. I joke at times. I am serious at times. Where to draw the line? Laughing at funerals is not funny, right? Perception is the judge of that one. When my father died, I laughed, not out of actual joy... rather out of lack of emotion. Too sad to have little to no feeling when one of the people who made you passes. Sometimes I think I would laugh if my mom passed, not because I do not love her but out of theory...those who I love the most will do whatever they can to escape me...

My life is like the fair..I would call it the circus but they have separated them in Canada, no big top at the fair. There are freaky clowns in my life, there is a trapeze act cause I'm in it, and then there is the magic act where they take everything I know and distort it.

The rides rock. I'm on the zipper, a ride in a metal cage 100' off the ground held safely with a massive metal bobby pin! Yeah that'll do it! Holy snarfingarseholes batman, that is one freaken ride I'm not sure of! My daddy taught me to take it easy. I miss him. He was a doofus, but I really believe he loved me. One day.

My man will love me despite my obvious flaws. If not..his loss..I'm pretty freaken cool! LMAO!!!!